What is "Mum Rage"?

Firstly let's get clear on the term...it's not "Mum or Postnatal Rage", they're just terms that are created to label something quickly and easily. You're not full of rage because you're a mum and that's what this page is going to help make clear, it's because you're experiencing being a mum in a system that has let you down. You're likely overwhelmed, have your childhood experiences triggered by your child and don't have enough support.

"Mum rage" is used to describe the sudden, overwhelming anger that many mums experience. It’s shouting at your child over something small, snapping at your partner, or feeling like you could scream when the noise, demands, and stress of the day just won’t stop.

What does mum rage feel like?

Let's take the common example of getting out the house.

You've got the kids dressed, toileted, bags are packed, you're ready and suddenly your partner disappears to the toilet and your child point blank refuses to put their shoes on. You might have already been feeling stressed over all the prep and you feel a surge of energy travel through your body, you grit your teeth, you dig your nails into the palms of your hands, remind yourself he's just a small child, but you can't contain it so you scream "JUST PUT YOUR SHOES ON", grab his arm and shove his shoes on.

You know you've been too rough, you know you scared him, but you're just so overwhelmed in that moment you can't do anything about it.

Then, later, you're trying to get to sleep and all you can see is his wide eyed shocks and the shame kicks in hard..."what is wrong with me?", "why can't I cope?".

Why do I have mum rage?

Whether you're postpartum or further into your motherhood journey there is no diagnosis of something called 'postnatal rage' or 'mum rage' (though I have had clients who have been told by their GP that they have it and have given anti depressants or anti anxiety medication).

You don't have a 'disorder' though, your body's stress response is actually responding exactly how it's supposed to given the sleep deprivation, over stimulation, insane mental load, shift of identity, lack of physical and mental space and so much more! Your nervous system is in fight-or-flight mode, which is why so many mums experience anger and rage in motherhood, and it's screaming out for something to change.

Why do mums experience mum rage?

Mum rage isn’t a sign that you’re a bad parent. It’s your nervous system stuck in survival mode. This means your body and mind are overwhelmed and it's using the part of your brain that operates on basic instinct and reactions, rather than using the part of the brain that rationalises and considers responses. Some of the things that lead to this include:

The mental load: Keeping track of endless tasks, appointments, and responsibilities creates constant pressure.

Unmet needs: Lack of sleep, rest, nutritional food and time for yourself mean your brain and body are running on empty.

Old patterns: Our own childhood experiences can mean different behaviour in our children can feel triggering. Maybe it's not being listened to, a child being really emotional to something seemingly small, them needing you and your attention a lot, standing their ground and disagreeing with you.

Society’s expectations: Mothers are told to “be patient, be selfless, be grateful”, all while holding it all together. That pressure is a recipe for rage.

Unprocessed grief: previous loss, not having the pregnancy, birth or postpartum experience you wanted, loss of pre-child identity (and so much more!)

Free quiz to understand your anger patterns

How to Cope With Mum Rage

The hardest part of experiencing anger and rage as mum can be seeing, or worrying about, how it's impacting your children. As a result so many mums focus on trying to fix their reactions in the moment with things like gentle parenting scripts, or, try to fix their child's behaviour to be more palatable by using new routines, behaviour charts etc.

But gentle parenting scripts delivered through gritted teeth just aren't going to land to a child that knows you don't really feel what you're saying in the moment.

They are far more effective if you've learned how to regulate yourself whilst using them and have addressed the deeper reasons behind why you feel like you do.

So how do I handle mum rage?

You could start with these reflective questions (or try the free anger quiz here). Try and find a moment where you have some space to yourself so you can give them serious consideration...

1. How are you usually feeling 30 minutes before you start being reactive with clients? Tired, touched out, unheard, invisible, low? Even when it feels anger comes from 0 - 100, there are always underlying signs it's on it's way.

2. In that run up to a strong reaction, what one thing would you love to ask for, even if you think you wouldn't get it? Not what your child needed. What did you need.

3. When was the last time you asked for something you needed? Not hinted at, not hoped for...actually stated "I need you to...", "I feel....and I need..."

4. Growing up, was it safe to have needs? Not just big needs, the everyday ones. To be tired, to be upset, to need comfort or reassurance. What happened, or didn't happen, when you needed something?

5. What did you learn, early on, about what kind of child was easy to love? Quiet? Helpful? Uncomplaining? Low maintenance? And how much of that child are you still performing today?

6. Is there something you needed from a parent that you're still, in some way, waiting for? An apology, a recognition, a moment of being truly seen. You don't have to have had a hard childhood for this to be true.

Frequently Asked Questions about Mum Rage

Is mum rage normal?

It's common, and it's a normal bodily response to overwhelm but it's not 'normal'. I say that as gently as possible. If we say "oh it's normal to have mum rage" we're effectively saying "get on with it, it's just part of being a mum" and that is absolutely not the case.
Many mums experience overwhelming anger during motherhood, even if no one talks about it. Mum rage is a natural stress response to exhaustion, over stimulation, and the constant demands of parenting. You are not alone, and it doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent.

Does mum rage mean I have postnatal depression or anxiety?

Not necessarily. While rage can sometimes be linked to postnatal depression or anxiety, it can also happen simply because your nervous system is under strain. Anger & Rage isn't a diagnosed 'disorder', it's a natural reaction to adverse conditions.

Will my children be damaged if they see my anger?

What matters most is not never getting angry (that’s impossible), but how you repair afterwards. When you acknowledge your anger and reconnect, your children actually learn that emotions are safe, there's no shame in having big emotions and that relationships can be mended. This is of course dependent on how frequent you get angry with your children and what level of reaction you have. We all have a responsibility to take action if the level of anger is strong and it's happening regularly.

How can I start managing mum rage today?

If you've done the reflection questions above, the next step is to notice the sensations you experience in your body. Start small. Notice when your body begins to tense, take a pause before reacting, and remind yourself you’re not failing, you’re human. Long-term relief often comes from processing your triggers and sharing the load, so you don’t feel like you have to do it all alone.

Who do I see if I need further support?

You can go to your GP who will suggest medication and/or counselling sessions or you can find a private therapist. I specialise in therapy for mums experiencing anger and rage because I felt intense rage when I had my first child and it took me a long time to find support from someone who really understood it.

I offer a free quiz, that can help you see the patterns behind your anger

and gives you one specific strategy to start working on straight away. You can find this here.

I also frequently run free masterclasses focusing on one particular element of anger and rage, and run group

programmes at various points in the year, as well as offering 1:1 therapy. You can find out what's coming up by

signing up for my free newsletter "Dear Rage..." here.